


I'm Gonna Tell My Therapist On You

by owouwuqwqiwi



Category: Dream SMP - Fandom, Heathers (1988), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alexis | Quackity Needs a Hug, Alexis | Quackity-centric, Angst, Attempted Murder, Bottom Alexis | Quackity, Eret Needs A Hug (Video Blogging RPF), Hurt No Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Eating Disorders, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Karl Jacobs Needs a Hug, M/M, Multiple Pronouns for Eret (Video Blogging RPF), Murder, Period-Typical Homophobia, Suicide Attempt, Top Wilbur Soot, Trauma, Unhealthy Relationships, just implied, no actual rape just mentioning, not between alex or wilbur, the author is both neurodivergent and gay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-17 20:15:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28854942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/owouwuqwqiwi/pseuds/owouwuqwqiwi
Summary: “Stop. Teasing. Me.” Wilbur’s eyes went wide in surprise before darkening again. He grabbed the younger man’s hips so hard they’d leave bruises.“Stop acting like you’re in charge.”__________________________________dream smp Heathers auwork title is from "I'm Gonna Tell My Therapist On You" by Pinkshift
Relationships: Alexis | Quackity & Clay | Dream, Alexis | Quackity & Eret, Alexis | Quackity & Floris | Fundy, Alexis | Quackity & Jschlatt, Alexis | Quackity/Wilbur Soot
Comments: 11
Kudos: 102





	I'm Gonna Tell My Therapist On You

**Author's Note:**

> please read the tags, this story is rated explicit for a reason. people can be triggered by this.
> 
> i used the original Heathers script, i do not own Heathers. I added my own twists and changed characters accordingly. The work is mine but Heathers does not belong to me.
> 
> if you wanna make fanart of this you can, just tag it using igtmtoy (I'm Gonna Tell My Therapist On You), also tag me! (owouwuqwqiwi)
> 
> but pls don't make it trend, i don't want cc seeing this. i would literally delete my profile and work if that happened
> 
> editor: mommyissuesandheroin (also lgbtqia+)
> 
> thank them for making my writing readable

Alex scribbled in his journal, the chicken scratch cursive littering the pages. _Dear Diary, Jschlatt told me he teaches people real life. He said real life sucks losers dry. If you wanna fuck with the eagles, you have to learn to fly. I said, “So, you teach people how to spread their wings and fly?” He said, “Yes.” I said, “You’re beautiful.”_

A person shoved Alex’s back, breaking his concentration and causing his monocle to fall. “God, come one, Alex.” He could recognize that voice anywhere; it was the lovely Eret. They had on their iconic yellow dress and accessories.

“What’s your damage, Eret?” Alex said, flipping his hair from where it had fallen over his face.

“Don’t blame me, blame Jschlatt. He told me to haul your ass into the caf pronto. Back me up, Dream.” Eret said, jerking her head towards Dream.

“Yeah, he really wants to talk to you, Alex.” Dream said timidly, wearing his famous green sweater and earrings.

“Okay, I’m going. Jesus Christ.” Alex packed up all of his things and made way to the cafeteria, wondering what Schlatt would need him for. Eret and Dream trailed behind him, trying to catch up with the shorter man. He mentally prepared for the abundance of people in the cafeteria before opening the door. The cafeteria bustled with life, and they went around groups of people before making it to Jschlatt.

“Hello, Schlatt.” Alex acknowledged him dully. Jschlatt was decked out in his usual red attire of a red hat, red shoes, a red jacket, and red necklace. For a bastard, he sure knew how to dress.

“Alex. Finally. I got a note of Sapnap’s. I need you to forge a hot and horny but realistically low-key note in Sapnap’s handwriting. I’ll slip it onto Karl Jaycock’s lunch tray.” Schlatt said with a grin.

“Shit, Schlatt, I don’t have anything against Karl Jacobs.” Alex may have done crude shit before, but this felt wrong.

“You don’t have anything for him either.” Schlatt said, his face becoming dead serious. “Come on, it’ll be very. The note will give him pillow humping material for weeks.” The grin painted his face once again.

Eret and Dream laughed a bit to each other before turning their attention back to Alex, gauging his answer.

“I’ll think about it.” God, Alex didn’t want to do this. 

“Don’t think,” Schlatt said, a nasty look covering his face before he turned his head. Alex turned to see who they were looking at. Low and behold, the very victim of their conversation, Karl Jacobs. Schlatt turned back around with a mysterious twinkle in his eye.

“Alex needs something to write on. Dream, bend over.” Schlatt said as he passed Alex the note, along with some paper and pens. Alex then placed the paper on Dreams back, his hand shaking a bit as he gripped the pen.

“Dear Karl, you’re so sweet...” Alex wrote as Schlatt told him what to say. Unbeknownst to him three people were staring at him, two of which were having their own conversation.

“I’m telling you, man, it would be so righteous to be in a Alex/Jschlatt sandwich.” Sapnap said, staring at the two men.

“Oh, hell, yes. I wanna get one of them and put them on my Johnson and just start spinning them around like a goddamn pinwheel.” George said excitedly. 

They both laughed a bit before fist bumping. 

As their conversation ended, Alex finished writing the forged letter. He tore the paper off before giving it to Schlatt. Schlatt then handed it to Eret who snuck up behind Karl. She folded the note and snuck it onto his tray. Dream, Alex, and Schlatt all watched from afar as an approving look adorned Schlatt’s face. Alex could feel a sinking feeling pulling at his empty stomach; he watched the note get placed. Eret quickly made it back to the group, giggling, joining them to get their lunch. Karl passed a booth with two students at it, those students being Tommy and Ranboo.

“DSMP feeds the world. Come on, people. Let’s give that leftover lunch money to people who don’t have lunches. Those tater tots you threw away are...” Tommy trailed off as Alex tuned him out. He couldn’t believe he had just written that letter.

“God, aren’t they fed yet?” Eret said, annoyance prevalent in his voice as he sat down across Alex at the lunch table they found. “Do they even have Thanksgiving in Africa?” 

Alex couldn’t believe his ears, he knew Eret was daft but not this daft. “Oh, sure. Pilgrims, Indians, Tater Tots. It’s a real party continent.” He said, sarcasm thick on his voice as he took a bite of the school food.

“Alex, guess what today is.”

“Ouch,” he said as Jschlatt ripped the clipboard from underneath his arm. “Lunchtime poll? So what’s the question?”

“Yeah, so what’s the question, Schlatt?” Dream asked, repeating what Alex had said.

“Goddamn, Dream, you were with me in the study hall when I thought of it.”

“I forgot,” Dream said dejectedly.

“Such a pillowcase,” Schlatt said, shaking his head as he began writing the poll.

Alex didn’t like the way Schlatt talked to the others. “This wouldn’t be that bizarro thing you were babbling about over the phone last night, would it?” As he talked he felt as if someone was watching him intensely. Alex shook his shoulders as if it would somehow get rid of the creepy feeling. 

“Of course it is.” Schlatt said before standing up, grabbing Alex’s arm so he could do the same. “I told Techno if he gives me another political topic, I’d spew burrito chunks.” As Schlatt dragged him Alex caught eyes with an unfamiliar man. He’d never seen him in the cafeteria or on campus before. They made eye contact and it felt as if the man was staring into his soul. Alex followed the movement of the man's hands as he reached up to brush his hair. While staring at the man, Alex wasn’t paying attention to his surroundings, causing him to bump into a person sitting down. 

Alex gasped as the other talked. “Oh, Alex, I’m sorry.”

“Fundy. Gosh. Hey, I’m really sorry I couldn’t make it to your birthday party last month.”

He shrugged before replying. “It’s okay. Your mom said you had a big date. I think I’d probably miss my own birthday for a date.”

Alex laughed a bit before lightly punching Fundy’s shoulder, “Don’t say that.”

“You know what?” Fundy asked, ignoring what Alex had just said. “I was looking around the other day and I dug up these old photographs.” Fundy pulled them out of his book bag and handed them to Alex. They laughed softly while looking at the pictures. “Oh, wow, they’re great.” Alex said, nostalgia filling him as he looked at each photo, smiling more and more. Man did he miss hanging out with Fundy.

“Come on, Alex.” Jschlatt said in a hard tone, yanking Alex’s arm to drag him along. Causing him to drop the photos he was holding. 

“I was talking to somebody!” 

“I don’t care, now come. We have a poll to do.”

As they approached a table Alex could see how uncomfortable the people looked after catching sight of Schlatt. As they stopped at the table Schlatt talked. “Hi, Niki. Love your cardigan.”

“Thanks. I just got it last night at The Limited. Like, totally blew my allowance.” She giggled a bit before looking back at Schlatt. He brought up the clipboard and began to read off of it.

“Now, check this out. You win $5 million from the Publisher Sweepstakes and the same day that Big Ed guy gives you the check, aliens land on the Earth and say they’re gonna blow up the world in two days. What do you do?”

Alex took in the faces of the people as they thought about their answers. 

“That’s easy. I’d just slide that wad over to my father, ‘cause he’s, like, one of the top brokers in the state.” 

He rolled his eyes, Alex couldn’t believe these stupid rich popular kids. 

“If I got that money, I’d give it all to the homeless. Every cent.” Niki said, looking around the table before glancing back at the two men in front of her.

Alex scoffed a bit. What a performative bitch. “You’re beautiful.” Is all he said before walking away. Schlatt trailing after him. 

“If you’re going to openly be a bitch...”

“It’s just… Schlatt why can’t we talk to different kinds of people?”

“Fuck me gently with a chainsaw. Do I look like Mother Teresa? If I did, I probably wouldn’t mind talking to the geek squad.” Schlatt said, gesturing at the table of geeks who were looking at them.

Alex watched as one of them choked on milk and fawned over Schlatt looking at him. Alex truly was in disbelief; these were the kind of people he was going to school with. “Does it not bother you that everybody in this school thinks you’re a piranha?”

That comment made Schlatt smirk, “Like I give a shit. They all want me as a friend or a fuck. I’m worshiped at Manburg and I’m only a junior. I can’t believe this. We’re going to a party at DSMP University tonight and we’re brushing up on our conversational skills with the scum of the school.”

Alex just shook his head and walked towards the group of ‘geeks’. He was tired of hearing Schlatt bitch about everything. As he approached the table the people sitting took notice. Awe adorned their faces as he stopped in front of them. “Hi.”

They all took a breath before responding, “Hi.”

“So this is what’s called a lunchtime poll. You win $5 million dollars in the Publisher Sweepstakes and the same day that what’s-his-face gives you the check, aliens land on Earth and say they’re going to blow up the world in two days. What are you going to do with the money?” Schlatt asked, looking very annoyed to be talking with the ‘lower ranks’ of the school. 

“I’d go to Egypt. With a girl.”

“Thank you.” Alex said before walking off. “Now was that so awful?”

“Yes.” Schlatt said. Alex rolled his eyes as he dragged him off to another group of ‘scum’. They continued this process, getting a variety of answers. Some were about parties, get-togethers, paying Madonna to sit on their face but she should pay them (that was George’s answer, God help that boy), strapping a bomb to yourself and a lion and dying as one, and many other strange answers. After their adventure outside to the cliques, Alex and Schlatt regrouped with Dream and Eret in the cafeteria. While strolling up, Alex saw Karl staring at the letter and reading it.

“Oh, my God. Here we go.” Eret said, excitement dripping from her voice.

They watched as Karl sat up and ventured to the other side of the cafeteria for Sapnap. Alex felt the sinking feeling again. A disaster was about to unfold in front of his very eyes. The others giggled as Alex looked down; he couldn’t bear to watch. They were on the brink of full blown laughter as Karl set the note in front of Sapnap.

“Oh, my God,” Eret chanted again, excited.

Alex glanced up and watched as Sapnap grasped the note, reading only a couple lines in before bursting out in laughter. He shared the note with George, who began laughing as well. Soon enough the entire cafeteria was laughing at Karl; poor Karl. The feeling of disgust was deep within the pit of Alex’s stomach. He made eye contact with the mysterious boy from before who only looked at him in disbelief. Alex swallowed the lump in his throat. Karl stormed out of the cafeteria as Alex left the others.

“Hi, Alex. Five keeps the neighborhood alive.” Tommy told Alex as he leaned against the booth. 

Schlatt came and dragged him away before he could respond. Alex ripped his arm out of the taller’s grip. “You wanted to be a member of the most powerful clique in school. If I wasn’t already the head of it, I’d want the same thing.” Alex scoffed at him. “Come on, Alex. You used to have a sense of humor.” Schlatt then turned and walked away, Alex followed him. He never had a sense of humor, it was all bullying. He sighed as he walked into the restroom with the others. 

“Alex, could you come back here a minute?” Dream asked quietly from the stall he was standing at.

Alex lifted his finger and laughed a bit. “A true friend’s work is never done.”

“Gross.” Eret and Schlatt replied at the same time.

“Grow up, Dream. Bulimia is so ‘87,” Schlatt said. 

Alex ignored him as he filed his nail. “You know, maybe you should see a doctor.”

Dream looked down into his eyes before replying, “Yeah, maybe.” Alex felt for Dream, the boy was pushed around by Jschlatt and battling an eating disorder. He hoped that one day Dream would stand up for himself. After a moment Schlatt called them out of the restroom, telling them to hurry up. Alex helped Dream and waited for the boy to freshen up afterwards. When he finished they headed out and back into the cafeteria. As they walked back in Alex caught sight of the new boy again. He smiled at him and Alex smiled back slightly. 

“God, Alex, drool much?” Eret said from behind him, her yellow glasses reflecting the school’s lighting. She then continued. “His name’s Wilbur Soot. He’s in my American History.”

Alex didn’t reply but instead walked to the corner Wilbur was sitting at. He looked Alex up and down as he approached the table.

“Hello, Wilbur Soot.”

“Greetings and salutations.” Wow, Alex wasn’t expecting that accent. It was captivating combined with the raspiness of Wilbur’s voice. He then pointed at the group, “You a ‘Heather’?”

“No. I’m an Alex, Quackity.” Wilbur nodded his head in acknowledgement. “This may seem like a really stupid question.”

“There are no stupid questions.” Wilbur said, interrupting Alex.

He just smiled and looked the brit up and down. “You inherit $5 million the same day aliens land on the Earth and say they’re going to blow it up in two days. What do you do?” Alex watched as confusion crossed his face.

“That’s the stupidest question I’ve ever heard. I don’t know. Probably row out to the middle of a lake somewhere, bring along a bottle of tequila, my sax and some Bach.”

“How very...” He could hear the sound of footsteps and immediately recognized them.

“Come on, Alex.”

“Later.” Alex said staring into the man’s eyes.

“Definitely.” 

Alex walked away with the thoughts of a smile and a wonderful voice littering his mind. Later that day he heard the news from some gossip. Apparently Wilbur fired some blanks in the cafeteria, pretending to shoot George and Sapnap after they called him a fag. As the clique played croquet they talked about what happened.

“God, they won’t expel him, they’ll just suspend him for a week or something.” Eret said as he rested against a tree. His dress blew in the light breeze.

“He used a real gun. They should throw his ass in jail.” Schlatt stated matter of factly.

“No way. He used blanks. All Wilbur really did was ruin two pairs of pants. Maybe not even that. Can you bleach out urine stains?” Alex said, making Dream and Eret laugh.

“You seem pretty amused. I thought you had given up on high school guys.” Schlatt said before taking his turn.

“Never say never.”

The red ball rolled and hit Dream’s green one. “So, what are you going to do, Schlatt? Take the two shots or send me out?”

Schlatt scoffed as he strolled up to Dream “Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast?” Dream’s face dropped as Schlatt grew closer. “First you ask if you can be red, knowing that I’m always red.” He then placed his ball in front of Dream’s and hit it, sending the green ball over the unused fountain and into the garden. “Shit.” Dream cursed. Alex shook his head disapprovingly. Schlatt really was a dick.

“It’s your turn, Dream.” Schlatt said, his voice laced with malice.

Dream just stared back at Schlatt before turning around and walking towards the green ball. 

“Easy shot, Dream. No way, no day.” Eret said as they swung their croquet mallet.

“Give it up, dude.” Alex said sitting down.

Dream sized up the shot before striking the green ball. It bounced off the fountain, then a tree, and rolled into the hoop. Eret and Alex said a flurry of compliments while Schlatt stared in disbelief. Dream whooped a bit and giggled before coming back to the group.

“So, tonight’s the night. Are you two excited?”

“I’m giving Alex his shot, his first DSMP party.” Schlatt turned around to face Alex. “You blow it tonight, dude, and it’s keggers with kids all next year.”

Alex didn’t say anything and just hit his blue ball. He watched as Schlatt turned around and hit his red ball making it hit Dream’s green ball again. “Why?” Dream asked.

“Why not?” Is all he got in response.

“Eret, your mother’s here.” Alex’s mom announced as she came outside holding food.

“Come on, whoever wants a ride.” Eret said as he swung the mallet. Schlatt and Dream quickly followed him, saying their goodbyes to Alex’s parents. 

“Hey, take a break, Alex. Sit down.” Alex’s father called out to him. “So, what was the first week of spring vacation withdrawal like?”

“I don’t know. It was okay, I guess.” Alex said as he sat down, taking a bit of what his mom had brought out.

“Hey, kid, isn’t the prom coming up?”

“I guess.”

“Any contestants worth mentioning?”

“Maybe. There’s kind of a dark horse in the running.” He thought of a British boy with a soothing voice and mysterious demeanor. Alex finished taking a couple more bites before excusing himself to get ready for the part. He put on his best clothes, the kind that clung to his thighs and showed his collarbone. After putting on a new beanie he bought at The Limited, he waited for Schlatt. He rolled up in his red car with a cleanly shaven face, his sideburns gone. During the drive they rode in silence, pulling up towards the convenience store Schlatt kicked him out of the vehicle to get food.

“Corn nuts!” Schlatt yelled out from the car as Alex grabbed the convenience store door.

“BQ or plain?”

“BQ!” 

He entered the store and searched around for the corn nuts. Finally after about two minutes he found them. As he grabbed for them, a familiar voice rang out.

“You going to pull a super-chug with that?” Alex looked Wilbur up and down as the Brit walked closer to him.

“No, but if you’re nice, I’ll let you buy me a slushie.” Alex watched as the taller man’s eyes raked over his body. “I see you know your convenience-speak pretty well.”

“Yeah, well, I’ve been moved around all my life. Britain, Dallas, Baton Rouge, Vegas, Sherwood, Ohio. There’s always been a Snappy Snack Shack. Any town, any time, you pop a ham and cheese in the microwave and feast on a turbo-dog.” Wilbur made a circling gesture next to his head, “Keeps me sane.” 

“Really?” Alex moved around Wilbur to grab a twizzler. “That thing you pulled in the caf today was pretty severe.” Wilbur’s eyes followed the movement of Alex’s lips as he bit into the twizzler and chewed. 

“Yeah, well, the extreme always seems to make an impression.” They stared at each other for a moment. “Did you say a cherry or coke slushie?”

“I didn’t. Cherry.”

Wilbur grabbed the biggest sized cup and filled it to the brim with the artificial flavored ice. He paid for the slushie and the corn nuts at the counter. Alex admired the man’s side profile in the convenience store lighting. After the check out, they headed outside the door. Alex drank the slushie and followed Wilbur. 

“Great bike,” Alex said as he caught sight of the motorcycle Wilbur leaned on.

“Yeah. Just a humble perk from my dad’s construction company. Seen the commercial, right? ‘Bringing every state to a higher state.’” Wilbur recited the commercial as if it had been ingrained into his mind.

“Wait a minute. Wilbur Soot. Your pop’s Big Bud Soot Construction? It must be rough moving place to place.” He watched as Wilbur brought a cigarette to his lips and lit it. The flicker of the flame reflected in his eyed for a moment. 

“Everybody’s life has got static. Is your life perfect?” The brit said as he blew the smoke out through his nose.

“Oh, yeah, I’m on my way to a party at DSMP University.” Alex said as he rolled his eyes. Wilbur gave him a little hum of acknowledgement before a car horn rang through the parking lot. They turned to look and saw Schlatt in the car with a sour expression painting his face as he honked the horn again. 

Alex sighed, “No, my life’s not perfect. I don’t really like my friends.”

“Yeah, I, uh… I don’t really like your friends, either.”

“Well, it’s just like they’re people I work with and our job is being popular and shit.” Alex laughed a bit before taking another sip of the melting slushie.

“Maybe it’s time to take a vacation.” The brit said in a low voice.

Alex looked into Wilbur’s eyes, “Yeah, maybe it is.”

He then walked back towards the car before Schlatt could get anymore heated. The car ride to DSMP was a bit tense. Only the sound of speeding cars and the dull radio ran through Alex’s ears.

The party was filled with drunk people. The taller grabbed Alex’s hand and weaved between the hot and horny bodies. He took Alex into one of the rooms where couples and two men sat. They walked up to the men at the bar. 

“Hello, gentlemen. Throw your coats on the floor.” They began to take off the jackets they adorned.

“Alex, this is Skeppy.” The first man introduced the shorter man next to him. Skeppy chuckled a bit as he looked Alex up and down, “Excellent.”

“Did you guys bring your partying slippers, huh?”

Schlatt messed with his hair before responding, “Let’s party.” An excited grin stretched on his face.

“He loves to party.” The first man said to Skeppy. They laughed annoyingly.

Schlatt and the first man went off on their own together, leaving Alex with Skeppy. They headed back towards the crowded floor and grabbed a couple of beers before finding a spot to stand. They stood leaning against a wall in the hallway.

“It’s so great to be able to talk to a guy and not have to ask, ‘What’s your major?’ I hate that.” Skeppy said as he nursed some store bought beer. Alex ignored him and drank some of his own beer. “So, when you go to college, what subjects do you think you’ll study?” Alex just turned away and caught sight of Schlatt and the man kissing in a room, the door barely open. He saw as Schlatt slipped to his knees and undid the man's zipper. Alex quickly looked away and went with Skeppy off somewhere. They entered a room that had a soft red glow to it. Alex sat down on the couch and drank until he couldn’t see straight. He looked over and saw a box of matches, deciding to light one. He admired the flame as he brought his hand close to it and pulled his hand away. He repeated his process until his grip became loose and he accidently dropped the flame; straight into the mostly empty glass of beer where it caught fire. In a moment of panic Alex threw the flaming glass out the window where it landed into the trash. Skeppy then came back from wherever. “How’s my little cheerleader, huh?”

Alex scooted away as Skeppy approached him on the couch. “Oh, I know everyone at your high school isn’t so uptight.” He said as he seated himself right next to Alex, thigh to thigh, his arm draped around the younger's shoulders. Alex could feel discomfort bubbling in him at the feel of the touch. Skeppy then placed a hand on the drunk boy's thigh. “Come on.” That was the last straw. 

“Come on, now. Look, I don’t feel as good, okay?”

The older man ignored him. “Hey, let’s do it on the coats. It’ll be excellent huh?”

Alex was heated, he got up and looked at the man sitting before with the utmost disgust. “You know, I have a little prepared speech I tell my suitor when he wants more than I’d like to give him. Gee, blank, I had a really nice-”

“Save the speeches for Malcom X. I just wanna get laid.”

“You don’t deserve my fucking speech.” Alex said as he ripped his coat from underneath the horrible boy. He walked out of the room and ventured the hallways of drunk people. Occasionally leaning against the wall for support. His mind spun and nausea gripped his stomach. As he propped himself against the wall a voice scared him.

“What’s your damage?” That sounded like a mad Schlatt. “Skeppy says you’re being a real cooze.”

Alex could not put up with this right now. “Schlatt, I feel really sick, like I’m gonna throw up, so can we please jam now?”

“No. Hell, no.”

The nausea gripped at his stomach again and before he knew it he was puking up slushie and beer all over Schlatt’s shoes. Alex stumble ran outside of the house party and into the cold night. Schlatt trailed after him furious.

“You stupid fuck.”

Alex turned around seeing red. “You goddamn bitch.”

“You were nothing before you met me. You were playing video games with Fundy. You were a bluebird, you were a brownie, you were a Girl Scout cookie. I got you into a DSMP party. What’s my thanks? It’s on the hallway carpet. I got paid in puke!” Schlatt yelled at Alex.

Alex was finally done with his bullcrap, “Lick it up, baby. Lick it up.”

“Monday morning, you’re history. I’ll tell everyone about tonight. Transfer to Pogtopia, transfer out. No one at Manburg’s gonna let you play their reindeer games.” Schlatt stormed past Alex and into the night.

That night in the comfort of his room Alex began to write. The cursive coming out jankier than normal. _Dear Diary, I want to kill, and you have to believe, it’s for more than just selfish reasons. More than just a spoke in my emotions. You have to believe me. Oh, Christ. I can’t explain it but I’m allowed an understanding that my parents and these DSMP University assholes have chosen to ignore. I understand that I must stop Schlatt. Fundy was a true friend and I sold him out for a bunch of swatchdogs and diet cokeheads. Killing Schlatt would be like offing the Wicked Witch of the West. Wait, East. God, I sound like a fucking psycho. Tomorrow I’ll be kissing his aerobicized ass, but tonight let me dream of a world without Schlatt, a world where I am free._ As he finished Alex tossed the book across the room. Anger building up inside of him as he relived the memories of tonight. 

He then gasped as he saw Wilbur climbing through his window. “Dreadful etiquette. I apologize.”

“That’s ok.” Alex replied in a shaky breath.

“I saw the croquet set up in the back. You up for a match?” Wilbur said with a smirk littering his face.

Alex got up and crawled out the window, leading Wilbur to the set up. “How about, we make this fun.” Alex said as he passed the brit a mallet and a ball.

“Well, what did you have in mind?” Alex gripped the front of the taller man’s coat and brought his lips to his ear. 

“Strip croquet.” He pulled back and saw the dark look in the man’s eyes. 

The game was filled with heated glances from both parties. Alex could feel Wilbur staring at him everytime he bent over to hit the ball. As the game progressed the tension grew. With clothes being stripped away Alex felt a bit cold, he went to hit the ball but startled when he felt hands on his hips. He went to look back at Wilbur but the brit stopped him. He could feel the heat radiating off the taller man. His back pressed against the other's chest. Alex felt lips ghosting the shell of his ear, “Hit the ball.” He followed the orders and tried to hit the ball but faltered when the hands on his hips tightened. 

“What’s a matter?”

“N-nothing.” Alex whimpered a bit as the hands tightened again. The pressure distracted him from all coherent thought, only focusing on the two points of heat.

“I’m not sure. Seems like you’re having trouble.” The taller man’s voice was music to Alex. The accent buzzed in his ears. Alex wriggled out of his grip, pushing the taller man back up against a tree. He grabbed his shoulders and brought Wilbur down to sit. He then climbed on his lap and looked into his eyes. 

“Stop. Teasing. Me.” Wilbur’s eyes went wide in surprise before darkening again. He grabbed the younger man’s hips so hard they’d leave bruises.

“Stop acting like you’re in charge.” Though the night was cold, the air around them was scorching hot. A symphony of pants and moans could be heard. Alex had never felt so alive. This moment, it consumed him whole. He was making noise he didn’t even know he could make. And the sounds the brit made drove him crazy and spurred him on.

Alex could feel himself floating. Wilbur had thrown his coat over the both of them as they cuddled. The rest of their clothes littered the lawn as they laid slumped against the tree. Alex was content, he wished the moment could last forever.

“Hmm. Thank you. That was my, uh, first game of strip croquet.”

“Oh, you’re welcome. It’s a lot more interesting than just flinging off your clothes, and boning away on a neighbor’s swing set.”

Wilbur’s voice was a bit gravely. “I don’t know. There’s a lot to be said for throwing off...Ow!”

He was cut off by Alex biting his chest and giggling. The brit moved his hand to hold hands with Alex and kissed the shorter man’s forehead. Alex sighed, feeling warm inside, for two reasons might I add. “What a night. What a life. They wanted to move me into high school out of sixth grade because I was supposed to be this big genius.” Wilbur hummed in acknowledgment as he peppered Alex’s face with kisses. The younger man giggled a bit before continuing. “Then we decided to chuck the idea because I’d have trouble making friends, blah-blah-blah.” Alex sighed again, this time for a different reason. “Now, blah-blah-blah is all I do. I use my grand IQ to decide what color beanie to wear and how to hit three keggers before curfew.” They shared a few lazy kisses.

“Jschlatt is one bitch that deserves to die.” Wilbur said, the tone of his voice holding a certain emotion that Alex couldn’t place. 

“Killing him won’t solve anything.” He could feel Wilbur shake his head. “I say we just grow up, be adults, and die. But before that, I’d love to see Schlatt puke his guts out.” They kissed in between sentences before staring at the sky.

The next morning they dressed quickly. Alex let Wilbur use his shower. They then hopped on Wilbur’s motorcycle to pay Schlatt a visit. They snuck into the backyard and Alex opened the sliding glass door.

“Trust me, he skips the Saturday morning trip to Grandma’s, even when he’s not hungover.” Alex walked to the Kitchen, the house was dead silent.

“We’ll just concoct ourselves a little hangover cure that’ll, uh, cause him to spew red, white and blue then.”

“What about, like, milk and orange juice? What’s the up-chuck factor on that?” The shorter man said as he browsed the contents of Schlatt’s refrigerator. 

“Yeah, I’m a no-rust-build-up man, myself.” Alex heard the brit say as he turned and saw Wilbur holding up some rust cleaner in his hand. 

Alex grabbed the milk and orange juice out of the fridge and closed the door. “Don’t be a dick. That stuff will kill him.” Alex’s face dropped as he saw Wilbur show no remorse.

“I know. We can cook up some soup and put it in a coke. That’s pretty sick, hey?” He watched as Wilbur popped open the cap of the remover and poured the blue liquid into a glass.

“Put a lid on that stuff. I say we go with big blue here.”

“What are you talking about? He’d never drink anything that looked like that, anyway.” He said gesturing to the clear glass filled with something that’s obviously not water.

“Yeah, so we’ll uh...put it in this.” The older man said as he grabbed a white mug with a matching lid. “He won’t be able to see what he’s drinking.” 

Alex walked around the kitchen island towards Wilbur. “Let me get a cup, jerk.” He grabbed a similar white mug and filled it up with the milk and orange juice. “Hm. Maybe we could, like, cough up a loogie in it or something.” They tried for a moment before shaking their heads in defeat. “Oh, well. Milk and orange juice will do quite nicely.”

Wilbur hummed and moved away. “You’re chicken.”

“You’re not funny.” Alex said as he closed up the rust cleaner and put it away. Wilbur came back and surprised the shorter man with a kiss. A couple little pecks that were filled with love. As they kissed, Alex grabbed a mug. He smiled at Wilbur and turned away, walking towards Schlatt’s room. 

“Uh, Alex?” He heard the Brit call out to him.

“What?”

“Never mind. I’ll-I’ll carry the cup.”

They found Schlatt’s room, decorated with the man’s favorite color, red. The couple stood on either side of Schlatt at the foot of the bed.

“Morning, Schlatt.”

They watched as he removed the red sleeping mask. “Alex. And Jesse James. Quelle surprise. Hear about Alex’s affection for regurgitation?”

Alex and Wilbur shared a glance before the shorter of the pair talked. “Schlatt, I think last night we both said a lot of stuff we didn’t mean.”

“Did we? How the hell did you get in here?”

“Um… Alex knew you’d have a hangover, so, uh, I whipped this up for you. It’s a family recipe.” Wilbur outstretched his arm with the mug and gestured towards it.

Schlatt looked at it skeptically. “What’d you do? Put a loogie in it, or something? I’m not gonna drink that piss.”

“I knew this stuff would be too intense for him.” Wilbur mocked.

Schlatt scoffed, “Intense. Grow up. You think I’ll drink it just because you call me chicken?”

Alex tried to hide back his smile as he watched Wilbur smirk and Schlatt get out of the bed.

“Just give me the cup, jerk.”

Alex watched as Schlatt downed the drink and began to jerk. He saw as the red clad man tried coughing and brought his hands around his throat. Schlatt gagged a bit and tried to breathe. He saw him walk a couple paces before saying, “Corn Nuts.” And crashing through the glass table in the room. Alex couldn’t believe his eyes. He leaned over to check out Schlatt and saw the man unmoving. His stomach lurched. 

“Oh, my, God. I can’t believe it. I just killed my best friend.”

“And your worst enemy.” Wilbur added.

“Same difference.” Alex gasped out. He walked over to the desk and sat in the chair. 

“What are we gonna tell the cops?” The brit asked. “Fuck it if he can’t take a joke, sarge.” 

“The cops.” Alex was on the brink of puking. “I can’t believe this is my life.” His breath was coming in short gasps as a flurry of panic ran through him. “Oh, my, God. I’m gonna have to send my SAT scores to San Quentin instead of Stanford.”

“All right, just a little freaked here. At least you got what you wanted, you know?” 

Alex turned around feeling furious and sick all the same. “Got what I wanted? It is one thing to want somebody out of your life, It is another thing to serve them a wake-up cup full of liquid drainer.” He watched as Wilbur moved around the room and scoped out Schlatt’s dead body and the area around it. 

“All right, we-we-we did a murder, and that’s a crime. But uh… if this were like a suicide thing, you know?”

“Like a suicide thing?”

“Yeah, yeah. I mean, uh, you can do Schlatt’s handwriting, as well as your own, right? Right?”

A million thoughts went through Alex’s head. He reached over and pulled a drawer, revealing a notepad, he picked it up and a pen. “All right.” He sat and thought of what to write. “You might think what I’ve done is shocking.” 

“Yeah. Um…  To me though, suicide is the natural answer to the myriad of problems life has given me. ” Wilbur chipped in. 

“That’s good, but Schlatt would never use the word ‘myriad’.”

“This is the last thing he’ll ever write. He’s gonna wanna cash in on as many 50-cent words as possible.”

“Yeah, but he missed ‘myriad’ on the vocab test two weeks ago.”

“That only proves my point more. The word is a badge for his failures at school.”

“Oh. Okay, you’re probably right.” Alex stuttered a bit. “Uh..  People think just because you’re beautiful and popular, life is easy and fun. No one understood I had feelings, too. ” Alex turned to Wilbur for some help.

“I die knowing no one knew the real me. ” 

“That’s good. Have you done this before?” The silence in response was deafening. They left the note and went back to Alex’s, hanging out for a bit and relishing in each other's warmth. Alex tried his best to forget Schlatt's cold body. He tried to forget Wilbur's silence.

**Author's Note:**

> tell me how you like the story so far guys! also i go by they/it so refer to me as such :)
> 
> here is the playlist for the fanfic!   
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1AvZ0lhw2alBKJXUvftTuq?si=1V_4EZOhQPGfs8S4EvWugA
> 
> also check out my other dream smp work, 'Learn to Trust'. It's a Quackity centric one.


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